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User blog:Darned Rabbits/The Rabbits Story. (As has been long awaited by many.)
“**note, at several points in this story, Argali talks smack about Edancnik, Edancnik was originally planned to be a somewhat important character, and so would have talked smack to Argali in return, but requested to be removed from the story. This note is to make clear any possible confusion that Edancnik’s lack of retort is due to me having a bias opinion on their feud, which I am not even sure of how started. Mr. Hobbit is also portrayed as a maniac, and I want him to know that that's not what I really think of him**” Recently there has been a great uprising in the Ettenmoors, for Jagex, lord of the trolls and arch nemesis of the F.A.Q, has returned. Jagex disappeared years ago, and although many were happy at his leaving, there were those who knew that when he returned, $!^* would go down. The last anyone had heard of him was that he was seeking reinforcements. That the Trolls of the ettenmoors were no longer enough for his deeds, and so he was traveling to Utumno to seek stronger trolls and increase his own power. But others simply said that surely a troll like Jagex could never survive Utumno and simply was banned, a ban which had recently expired. But for whatever reason he left, he was now back, and the first place he struck was the home of Mr. Hobbit! And he had far more than his normal band of Griefers, Spammers and F.A.Q defiers, he had hackers and smackers with him to! Poor Mr. Hobbit didn’t stand a chance and barely had time to grab some food before his home was burned and destroyed and his profile page replaced with ¨Mr. Hobbit is jagexxxxtrollll he hates staff death to coders,¨ and his precious rock stolen, He felt sad. Now those that suspected the return of Jagex had formed an emergency war counsel for the possibility, among whom were LordDaintheAwesome, Catfishperson, Heartgold, Argali and Ronshol the black. It was led by GandalftheTurquoise. When Argali heard of the trolling of Mr. Hobbit, he immediately blamed Edacnik (the first thing Argali will always do). They decided that the first thing to do was to give what help they could to Mr. Hobbit, and in return, get whatever information they could on Jagex. So they sent Ronshol to bring him to them. Ronshol left immediately and found Mr. Hobbit wandering Eriador in a frantic state, screaming and shaking his fists at the sky. Ronshol said “Quick, you must come with me!” But Mr. Hobbit wouldn’t listen, instead he cut Ronshol’s nose off with his sword. And roared “Treachery, Lies, THIEVESES STOLE IT FROM ME!!” Ronshol punched Mr. Hobbit in the face, knocking him out, and then hoisted him over his shoulder and carried him back to the council’s secret base in Mordor. Although the rest of the council was happy to see his success, the mood was grim, for Jagex it would appear, had struck again! Faenor had been questing in the Misty Mountain for many days, and while he was gone, Jagex attacked Lorein. This was something no one had dared to do in a long time, and although the elves defended it valiantly, Jagex’s power it would seem had grown! Now it would seem he could use telekinesis and mind control and make explosions randomly and even corrupt chunks, and his minions had also grown very powerful indeed. When Faenor received word, he immediately rode to Lorien as fast as he could, but it was too late, for Jagex had already escaped and the damage was done. When Mr. Hobbit woke up all he would talk about was how they must to pursue Jagex to the Ettenmoors to take back his precious rock. They had to torture him to get him to say anything else, and it may be said, that Ronshol took special joy in this, as he very much missed his nose. Eventually they got a description of Jagex and his powers, which was enough for Gandalf to know that something was very amiss. He immediately ordered that they dismiss Mr. Hobbit, and leave at once for the ettenmoors to confront Jagex. “You must retrieve my precious rock. I miss it already,” said Mr. Hobbit. “We’ll do what we can,” said Heartgold. Mr. Hobbit left. “Do you know how to defeat him?” asked Catfishperson. “Indeed I may, but I can’t tell you yet, because I’m Gandalf, and Gandalf is cryptic.” “Fair enough,” said Catfishperson. And so, they set out. While crossing through Ithilien, Warpig fell from the sky and hit Gandalf. *SMACK* Gandalf said, “you you, you must use dnorG, it’s the only way.” And then he died. Everyone was sad. Heartgold said “We should bury him.” Lord Dain replied “In stone, because dwarves right?” Everyone seemed to agree with this, but then Catfishperson said “Wait, who brought the food?” Ronshol said “Heartgold, Heartgold said “No, I thought Dain did,” Dain said wasn’t it Argali?” Argali said “No, it was your job Catfishperson.” Catfishperson said, “Well then it’s decided, we bring Gandalf with us.” Dain said “Why would we need to eat him? A massive pig just fell from the sky! We can have bacon!” Catfishperson said “I hear Istari taste like chicken, let’s bury the pig instead.” They all agreed. After having buried the pig, there was the problem of what to put on his tomb. “How about “here lies Warpig”,” suggested Argali, everyone agreed. “Don’t forget the italics!” said Catfishperson. They added Italics. While crossing through the Dead Marshes they came across Shrek’s house. “Perhaps we should pay him a visit” Said Heartgold, “Trolls and Ogres are very similar, maybe he had some information on Jagex?” They all thought it was a good idea. Dain walked up to the door and knocked. “GET SHRECKED SOLICITORS!” Yelled a voice from inside. “We’re not solicitors, your Shrekesty,” Replied Dain, “We come seeking counsel and stuff and bring Istari meat.” “Ooh, Exotic” Replied the voice that must belong to Shrek. “Come on in!” When everyone had packed inside Shrek said, “You said you seek counsel? How may I give it?” “Have you heard of the Lord of the Trolls, Jagex?” Asked Heartgold” “Oh, I see why you’re here,” grumbled Shrek. “You think that because I’m an ogre, I must be working for the Trolls!” “No, No, we never said that.” Said Heartgold. “Ever since Jagex returned, everyone thinks that!” “Really, we don’t think you’re following Jagex.” “Why, the ents have complained about all the trees that must be chopped down to supply people with enough paper to send me all the hate mail they do.” Roared Shrek. “Wait, you don’t think I’m working for him” “No, of course not your Shrekesty, surely one as Shreknificint as you could never do such a thing, after all, Shrek is love, Shrek is life.” “That’s true...” Said Shrek, calming down a bit. “Why did you want to know about him anyway?” “We’re going to stop him, said Dain, He Trolled our friend Mr. Hobbit and stole his rock, were going to get it back.” “I don’t know anything about his plans, but I will come with you,” said Shrek, “I wish to Shrek him and prove that ogres are different then Trolls Once and for all!” “Very well” Said Catfishperson “You may join us.” “Cool,” said Shrek, but should I bring some more food? I can get pretty hungry, and that one Istar won’t last forever.” “Nah,” said Catfishperson, “In addition to tasting like chicken, Istari flesh is like elven Lembas in that a single bite can last a man all day.” “Oh right, said Shrek, I forgot.” And so they set out once again. There was no event worth noting until the fellowship reached the vales of Anduin, unless you count Dain getting high on a special concoction he made, consisting of pipeweed, Istari blood and some unknown substance resembling candle wax that Shrek provided (I’ll let you use your imagination on that one). He couldn’t stop making 0_o faces and blubbering about a dwarvish girl from the Red Mountains whom he had a crush on. He made a mental note to patent it should he survive their quest. Anyway, at some point whilst in the Vales, the company came across the great fortress-city of Contributera. One of the greatest anonymous wiki contributor cities in all of Arda. Now this was a city that Argali had always heard about, but never managed to visit. So of course, he insisted that they stop there for “Provisions.” Heartgold and Ronshol warned against this, as they didn’t really need provisions, and the anonymous wiki contributors were an “unpredictable” and “curious” species. But Dain, Catfish and Shrek readily agreed with Argali, as they found the wiki contributors to be dreadfully entertaining. And so outvoted, Heartgold and Ronshol conceded to a “short stop,” as long as Catfish, Dain, Argali and Shrek promised not to get into trouble. Catfish, Dain, Argali and Shrek nodded earnestly. When they arrived at the gate, the gate-keeper asked ¨Who are you, and what is your business, Heartgold said, ¨We are road-weary travellers, who wish to buy provisions. ¨Well then, you may enter, There´s a shop first left which I suggest visiting.¨ ¨We thank you for your advice,¨ said Heartghoul. And so they entered the city, little did they know that one of them would not come out. Indeed, the shop had everything they needed, which considering that they didn't even need anything in the first place, wasn't surprising. Argali however was so excited, that he spent half their gold on souvenirs and smashed pennies. However, while Argali was merrily turning the crank on the penny machine for the 937´th time a sudden, blizzard came out of nowhere and buried the gate in snow. ¨Blizzards such as these are pretty rare, in the vales of Anduin this time of year,¨ said Heartgold, ¨it must be the work of Jagex.¨ ¨Oh well,¨ said Argali happily, ¨I guess weĺl have to spend the night.¨ It was difficult to find a hotel they could afford, especially considering Argali had spent half their gold on souvenirs. Luckily they found a pawn-shop where they sold Gandalf´s left ear (Istari meat is very valuable). ¨You know,¨ said Catfishperson ¨At first I was sad, about Gandalf dyeing and all, but now I realize how much better off we are with him dead!¨ ¨I think I´d even kill him again, given the choice,¨ Said Dain, ¨Too bad there weren't two of him!¨ Yet, even after selling Gandalf´s ear they were only able to afford rather cheap accommodations. To his delight, Shrek found 16 cockroaches in his bed. ¨I love these guys!¨ said Shrek, popping one into his mouth. ¨EEEeeeeEEewwww, said Argali,¨ But was caught off by a scream in the night. Everyone fell silent, and tried to remember who had locked the door, for it is said that at night, the crazy wiki contributors come out, not the ones who bounce along happily, not caring or even necessarily knowing that their brain is a little different, but the truly insane ones. After that there was no more talking, and everyone quickly went to bed, and under many covers, tried to get to sleep without thinking about what was possibly lurking right outside their hotel, or even, (were those footstep?) outside their door. Catfishperson alone couldn't get to sleep, for he kept thinking he heard voices downstairs. At last, realizing that he wouldn't get any sleep otherwise, he got up the nerve to leave their room and tiptoe downstairs, just to see if there really was anyone. He kept thinking ¨If this were Doctor Who, I'd be walking to my death, but this isn't Doctor who, so I should be fine, right?¨ At last he reached the bottom, and indeed, a door was left slightly open, and there seemed to be voices coming from inside. Having confirmed his suspicion, he turned to leave, but stopped when he heard the words ¨I tell you 93.205.116.227, Jagex won't be happy if we wait any longer to attack, we've already waited 3 days for the reinforcements from Contribaland,¨ The voice that must belong to 93.205.116.227 said ¨No, we must wait, we can´t hope to capture Near Harad without them, and then he´d be even less happy.¨ ¨Fine,¨ said the first voice, ¨As long as it's clear to him that the idea to wait is yours, not mine.¨ ¨I take full responsibility for it, and any consequences it may have.¨” This was all Catfishperson needed, he rushed back to the stairs, but knocked down a lantern on the way making a loud SMASH. ¨SPIES, KILL THEM,¨ yelled 93.205.116.227. But Catfishperson had already made it back up to the room and yelled ¨Wake Up! Wake Up!¨ Everyone one woke up, Argali Screamed, and Ronshol fell out of his bed, ¨What the Hell is wrong with you!?¨ Demanded Ronshol, ¨The wiki contributors,¨ gasped Catfishperson, ¨They've joined Jagex!¨ ¨No!¨ said Dain, ¨surely not!¨ ¨It's true,¨ said Catfishperson, ¨I heard them talking, they're planning an attack on Near Harad!¨ ¨What?! I must warn them We must leave at once!!” Said Ronshol. ¨We can't abandon the quest,¨ said Heartgold. ¨Can we please decide this later?¨ said Catfishperson, ¨They're coming!¨ And it was true, two-dozen wiki contributors were rushing down the hallway, armed with short swords and knives. six fell before they reached the fellowship, pierced by Ronshol and Heartgold´s arrows. five more fell to Catfish´s sword, three from Dain´s hammer and four from Heartgold´s sword. Then Shrek lept into the air, and the remaining 6 wiki contributors fled in terror, but they were not fast enough. Shrek landed on the first three, roared and breaking their swords, threw the shards, impaling two of the fleeing wiki contributors, then picked up the broken body of one whom he had crushed and, swinging it like a ball-and chain, smashed the last with a CRACK. ¨Wow,¨ said Dain, ¨That was… pretty Shreking epic.¨ ¨Yeah,¨ said Argali, ¨You didn't even leave any for me. Shrek blushed, ¨It was nothing.¨ ¨Hurry, we have no time to spare,¨ said Ronshol, and indeed, it would appear that the lantern Catfishperson knocked had set the hotel on fire. They ran down the staircase, leaping over burning pits of carpet. When they got to the door, they found it had been barricaded. ¨They´ve locked us in!¨ cried Argali. Out of my way! Bellowed Shrek, as he charged into the door, breaking through. They ran into the street. The flames had spread from the hotel to the various surrounding buildings, and the night air glowed in flames. ¨My souvenirs!¨ cried Argali, ¨I left my souvenirs in our room!¨ But it was clearly too late to think about retrieving them, the flames had now engulfed the entire second floor. ¨Here¨ said Shrek, tossing the wiki contributor he had used as a weapon to Argali, who dropped him. ¨That's a pretty good souvenir.¨ Argali ripped off a piece of the contributors sleeve, which was charred after being dragged through the fire. To be continued by Lord Epicus. Category:Blog posts